You are you.

It's funny how we go way back. Way back to when I was in third or fourth grade. You knew my brother, and that's how we met. But I don't remember being introduced to each other. Haha. As kids, we would play with a bunch of other people on our street doing a bunch of random things like; huge water balloon fights, race eachother up and down the street or around the block, always wait for the manapua man and the ice cream man in the red jeep, go in the canal and scare the shit out of eachother, have boxing matches at my house, play video games, etc. And it's funny how we just admitted that we used to always look at eachother when we were younger.

Now our memories of eachother from back then are such a blur. All of them until my freshman year. And that was when the whole "US" started. Spring break of '07 was when we took interest in eachother, and it all started with us sharing a skateboard as a seat. Then that ended, and happened a year later, summer of '08. The past few months have been such a drag; constant run to's back to my ex, not being so sure of myself, and stress with schoolwork. But he's been there through it all. To help me pick myself up and go back on track. And honestly, I couldn't ask for anything more than this.

I don't know any guy that would wait for a girl for about six months, and I'm glad this one did. When we're together, it's like nothing else matters, and no one else can make me feel like this. He writes the loads of letters, writes songs, and says the cheesiest things to me. There's never a dull moment when we're together because we act like a bunch of retards. I can be myself around him. There's nothing to hide anymore. And it feels so good. I want to grow old with this guy. I want to get off this rock, and go to a place where I would never imagine. I know it's bad to be doing this, but it doesn't hurt to be a bit optimistic. I love my boyfriend, and the things he does for me, and I love the way he makes me feel. I love how even seven months down the road, he still gives me butterflies and makes me blush.

But the reason why I did this blog is because you are you. Nick is Nick. The kid that used to hang out along the street with my brother, and other friends. My neighbors cousin that I would see every once in a while and during the summer when we were younger. It's funny how some things turn out, but I love it.

New Year

The start of the new year wasn't the best, and I have my boyfriend to blame for that. But after all of this happened, my brother made me realize that life is too short for being mad at little things and making it into something bigger than it's supposed to be. He pointed out all of the holes in the walls, the many times he made my parents and I worry when we really weren't supposed to, the many times he'd run away, the two times he tried to kill himself, and the one time he actually ended up in the hospital. He sees me ending up like him anytime soon because I have the same anger problem as he does. I always let the littlest things get to me. Whenever someone gets mad at me, I always get mad at that person when I'm really not supposed to, and that changes everything. When I get mad, I always keep my anger in, and nothing good happens. I always end up isolating myself from everyone, making it hard for my family to talk to me, and so much more. But that's gonna change. I've seen what anger does to my brother, and other people. I've seen how much it not only hurts myself, but others as well. And that's gonna change. I'm no longer keeping my anger in just because I'm afraid to tell someone straight up that I'm mad at them. I'd rather do that than keeping it in, and letting it build up. And in the long run, turns into something worse than it's supposed to be. It's time for a change. Here's to the new year.

Wtheck?!

I don't like this feeling. I don't like this feeling at all.
Sometimes I wish that guys would just stop hitting on me.
Like feel nothing towards me, except for that friend feeling.
I hate being the one in the middle.
I swear, before all of this happened, i wanted nothing to do with boys.
I was doing just fine being single and having fun.
Having nothing to worry about.

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sorry, i don't remember where i was going with this.
bad feeling's gone after i had to watch my nephew.

fb's bestfriend.

Okay, so I finally met her. You're happy now, she's happy now. And what? I know what you felt for her. Did you seriously think that I was gonna put up an act and actually act normal around her? You left me couple times in Borders and went to some other place of the store, with her! Leaving me with your cousins just saying random comments to pictures in books. I knew how it felt to be left on the side when someone else's bestfriend was around. Why do you think I never actually took you to meet one of them? Well except Misa, but it didn't take me much to get her to meet you guys. You've been wanting me to meet her for couple months now, and now she finally shows. I mean, I'm not saying I don't like her. I do, she's cool. But when I bring her up, I don't want you to just keep going on about her. I don't need to know anything about her if I don't ask for it. Unnecesary information isn't wanted around me. It hurts to know that me and her are both alike. That's why it was so easy for you to like me. We're both juniors, we both act retarded, we both never stop when it comes to advice, and both very blunt about it, we're both very random, and we're nice. The only difference about her is that academically, she's way better than me. She's been getting a 4.0 since she was a freshman. Shooot, the best you'll get outta me is a 2.8, maybe a 3.0 if I actually try. And she's much more athletic than I am. Mhm, I got big calves, for doing what? Nothing. She loves adrenaline. I don't. I know you guys like going where ever and jump off of high rocks or whatever. And you can't even get me to the beach. To me it seems like I'm so much of a downgrade. And I never let it register in my head until now. Until I finally met her. The Lt. Governors daughter. See! She even has a label for her. And what do I have that a lot of people know me as; Jr's little sister, or Loren's older cousin. Wtf.

Ugh, this frustrates me. It feels like I'd have to live in her shadow for who know's how long we'll last. I wish I didn't have to see how you two really are together. I wish I didn't have to see how you felt around her. Even though the feelings aren't there, I could still see it. But no worries, I'll try not to let this change us.

I got my thing,

Last night was crazy.
Black out during practice at misa's,
everyone yelling and running all over the place.
Yet, I still had fun.
Dancing with HIM make me feel so.. so good.
But I can't do anything about it.
I got my thing, and his thing is wanting to be with me.
Why does things always have to end up that way?
Why can't that department be so easy to just get through?
I hate the feeling that once you feel that you made the right decision
you always end up feeling like crap somehow.
It saddens me, it brings me down.
It actually makes me think not twice,
but maybe five times before I actually do my thing.
We've straightened things out,
we said what was needed to be said,
but the satisfaction still isn't there.
I know I got this.
I just gotta live it through, no matter where my decision takes me.